Fuel

I've never deliberated about anything in my life as hard as this. I haven't slept for days, running on negative energy. But it feels so good. To be needed, to be wanted, to be admired.

Deliberation.

I overestimate everything. I try not to analyze every fucking thing, but I do...My fatal flaw. But to jump for a leap of faith knowing that there are spikes underneath, knowing the slim chance my hands will grasp the ledge, knowing that its wrong to even grab the ledge in the first place. Knowing that the pot of gold on the other side is bloody pirates booty. Morally questionable, manic karma inducer, but all's fair right?

Deliberate once more

Everytime I will myself not to go for gold, something fucking happens that makes me want to go for it again. In reality the gold is tainted. It is blood diamond if achieved. Nevertheless its still diamond. No matter the delivery or justice in retribution, the product is the same. Can I or even worse since it takes more planning, WILL I?

Meditation. Ask for it within. Empty...the insides say do whatever you want.