Knight in Shining Armor

Met someone yesterday. He saved my life.

Haunting

Two birds were perched in different positions inside a carport.

One was on top of the parked truck brooding majestically over the roaches waiting hungrily for a delicious cricket to eat.

The other, who was economically beautiful in his own right had his fill of cockroaches beneath the car, but failed the vision of the one above.

One day, both birds wanted the other's lifestyle in the hierarchy. Top bird was so hungry he was willing to risk his domain to grab a piece of the action. Bottom bird was full in his own right and wanted a taste of the occasional sweet life.

So they switched and for a while it was good. Ex-top bird was finally full and ex-bottom bird finally had a taste of haute cuisine. The different vantage points were a welcome change.

When the owner of the car, however, drunk in his stupor waited for no one and hastily backed up the car. The birds in their cloud 9 and splendor failed to spot him in time. Bottom bird who did not run to the side, was run over his overweight guts spewing out of his mouth. Top bird who did not fly was whiplashed against the wall and snapped his neck.

Random thoughts

The keyboard is mightier than the pen.

What if spiders could fly? That'd be fucking terrifying. Not only do you have to worry about running into a web and it stinging your face, but now you have to guard yourself when walking around. A black widow might just come fly down your neck like a vampire bat armed with poison.

Safeguard the influence you have over people. Everyone is interconnected.

SMLI Reflections 1

Staffing SMLI was one of the most worthwhile experiences I’ve had in a while. Developing intentional programs to enrich the tolerance, cultural sensitivity, and leadership of select incoming freshmen in this exclusive institute made me realize that I’d be a great role model to the kids that I adopt. There were guests that spoke about social change, responsibility, passion, and free speech. There were workshops that helped figure out leadership styles, conflict resolution, and stereotypes. Finally there was a group case study that challenged the SMLI participants’ critical thinking skills to navigate the UCI power map and provide a solution to a modern university problem.

One of the workshops included a poster presentation on a certain word regarding social change. My group’s word was equality. They wrote what equality sounded like, looked like, and felt like. I was asked what equality felt like to me because they wanted an example. I responded that I didn’t know what it felt like because my equality as a homosexual is determined by people’s votes and currently even though 8 was repealed, marriages are still on hold until the counterpart is given a chance to reappeal. The group then decided that they knew what it looked like, or at least looked like. One of the symbols they drew was of a standard male stick figure holding hands with another male stick figure. This was then juxtaposed next to a male stick figure holding hands with a female figure and in between the two couples was an equal sign. It reminded me of my recent project a gay couple who were so passionately in love with each other and would like to get married. After the artist was finished drawing, she turned to which made everyone else in the group turn towards me, all awaiting and eager to see my reaction. No words left my mouth as I was speechless. Emotions that I couldn’t pinpoint at that time ran through me like a horse that had been caged its entire life.

Seeing the future leaders of the university having these ideas about equality was so emotionally refreshing that it triggered something. This has been what I’ve been doing my whole life. Achieving leadership positions everywhere I go so that I could change it or at least monitor it to be sensitive against intolerance. I nodded to them, left the room, and let the horse roam free in a puddle of tears.

Fuel

I've never deliberated about anything in my life as hard as this. I haven't slept for days, running on negative energy. But it feels so good. To be needed, to be wanted, to be admired.

Deliberation.

I overestimate everything. I try not to analyze every fucking thing, but I do...My fatal flaw. But to jump for a leap of faith knowing that there are spikes underneath, knowing the slim chance my hands will grasp the ledge, knowing that its wrong to even grab the ledge in the first place. Knowing that the pot of gold on the other side is bloody pirates booty. Morally questionable, manic karma inducer, but all's fair right?

Deliberate once more

Everytime I will myself not to go for gold, something fucking happens that makes me want to go for it again. In reality the gold is tainted. It is blood diamond if achieved. Nevertheless its still diamond. No matter the delivery or justice in retribution, the product is the same. Can I or even worse since it takes more planning, WILL I?

Meditation. Ask for it within. Empty...the insides say do whatever you want.

Last Day

8/10/10 My last day of work at Pippin Commons

My last days at all of my jobs (5) have been uneventful. To expect any sort of excitement or severance package like maybe a Range Rover for “your many years of unrivaled service” is futile. The best I got was a plate of chili cheese fries from my school district boss, which I had to eat alone because summer hours for everyone else was reduced. My last day for tutoring college algebra was not celebrated. The finale to my medical assisting gig led to hugs and kisses from my coworkers. And finally, my service to Pippin ended with cushy summer hours of sitting on a chair for 8 hours a day three times a week, watching my life pass me by, and visible growth of facial hair to my hourly trips to the bathroom after drinking too much coffee.

Don’t get me wrong I never expected anything in return. I’m by nature a stress fanatic and workaholic (which I’ll be soon part of a psych study in UCI where they see how stress affects students; obviously they turn out like me, overworked, underloved, but infinite cash flow ;D). It was recently that I had another nervous breakdown, however a really good friend helped me through it.

“But do you like it?” he asked after dessert and a couple of beers.

“I don’t know…I’ve done everything right…sometimes I wish I could be stupid. Just one time I hope I enjoyed a failure. One time maybe I’d like a big red cross on my forehead." I responded with tears still rolling down my cheek carried over from retelling my coming out experience.

“But do you enjoy it?” he asked once more.

“I’ve been trained to enjoy it. I’ve been given a gold star for every goddamn thing. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish I wished what you want” I gulped pointing to his apathetic view about life.

“You’re putting in a lot of effort…just wait to reap the benefits. Hang in there. I could’ve been a great athlete. I just chose not to pursue it. That’s my decision. I know one day you’ll be a head nurse or higher and you’ll be with a great guy.”

I thanked him and laughed as I ended the lives of slow running tears.

“I wish you could write your stories as well. Your life is so inspiring and moving I feel like people out there are missing out when you don’t share it.”

So my last hoorah at being awesome for these two years was to consult for a manager at Brandywine about the menu planning and costing program that UCI Dining and Hospitality uses. Thanks for the leadership and technical experience Pippin Commons. I’ll carry it far.