Written December 2009
By: John AlejandroIf you’ve read the fictions part 1 and 2, the following is the tragedy and the yin of this fiction. Yet again Royce does not exist or is based on anyone.
“Haha…um…about Friday…I don’t think it’s going to work out” Royce said nonchalantly with music in his voice.
Silence…Complete frigid quiet and an aura of confusion enveloped me. In my last attempt to save face and at least remedy my embarrassment for having divulged what I truly felt for him the week before, I scattered words to keep my promise. They spilled like a baby vomiting hastily chewed peas on the kitchen floor. As I uttered words, my constitution unraveled and I could feel every part of who I was and who I imagine myself to be boil down into a vulnerable shaky foundation. I felt one of my biggest fears. I became less than who I was.
“Well it turns out that the charge nurse threw out your application away so that the director can’t hire you. I’ll need you to fill out another one.”
“What?” he scoffs. “Another application?”
“He’ll be there waiting up until night.”
“I can’t I’m busy tonight”
“The opportunity is there, don’t waste it. I promised you the job.” I said sheepishly.
The stillness of the afternoon in front of the empty sidewalk magnified the quiet. I debated whether regret or relief encapsulated me at that moment in time, but the weather suggested which I should feel. The angry clouds hid an illuminating, but tranquil sunlight. An icy breeze slapped me in the face while I was immobile, stunned in a script that I could never have predicted.
This is it, let go, leave. This is what you wanted in the first place. Rejection in exchange for sanity right? Next time, guard more carefully and don’t let someone in too fast.
I want to keep going. Maybe I didn’t spend enough time with him and maybe I needed to get closer.
It’s a burning sinking ship. Jump. After everything you put yourself through for him, you deserved a little more than a pusillanimous one-lined rejection.
I can’t. What if it can work out later? There are too many things to say, so little time and opportunity to do so.
Do it. Just learn from your mistakes. You’ll be alright.
And in seconds of silence that paralleled the seasons of him that I’ve endured, I said “Whether or not you go, it was nice knowing you. Goodbye.” and walked away.
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I parked my Honda Civic in front of the gym and jogged inside to get a head start on my workout. I greeted the front desk clerk and ran up the steps pumped to start a workout. Upon deciding that I’d use the ab machine first, I realized that someone was already using it. There was one right next to him though, but how awkward, it’s really close to him. Whatever, I’ll just ask for his permission.
“Hi, do you mind if I used this machine?”
“Yes, go ahead”
I find it interesting how many people don’t know how that question works; they usually offer a contradictory statement in response. Upon acknowledging him for his kindness, I recognized him.
I turned to him and asked excitedly “Heyyyy aren’t you Cheryl’s friend?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s mine too! My name’s Johnny what’s yours?”
“Royce”
“It’s nice to meet you Royce.”
Time for my workout.
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I can’t sleep. It’s 3 am. I can’t keep the thoughts of you from racing through my mind. No matter how hard I try, I deliberate through every action I’ve taken and your reaction to them. Every word from every sentence I’ve sequenced, analyzed, and proofread like 3 million base pairs of DNA from the moment we started talking. Not that there was anything wrong with what I said. Or is there? This springs forth an insecurity, a quest to find error in logic that I may have made, a mishap, or an unavoidable truth that I may have prematurely divulged. All this to try to get closer to you, to be able to appear coolly in a state of heightened alarm, panic, and utmost guard from failure. I’ve never felt so vulnerable, so inconsistent from my calm constitution. Being around you brings me to a consciousness I’ve never experienced before. Tachycardia and shallow breaths, but not overly done that you may hear it from when you are beside me. I encountered a newfound softness and care for everything that exists, and in this sense you bring out what some may deem as the best in me. Hearing your laughter and seeing you smile brews a yearning to hold you in my arms and never let go. Let me be those arms and ears that buffer your dream world and reality. But I can’t just yet.
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“Would you like to have dinner with me?” I asked randomly as if it just left my mouth without previous thought.
“What?” Royce said shocked as I almost regretted asking in the first place.
“Well we always work out at the same time, I realized that you may be hungry after” I retorted wishing to get to know him more meanwhile hiding behind a veil of practicality.
“What? But later we’ll be all sweaty and gross.”
“Well I have a couple of extra shirts in the car and there’s a cafe not too far from here.” I sounded more eager than before
“Okay…I’ll wait for you outside at five?”
“Alright!” I burst out in happiness pointing out a spot to meet later.
I quickly finished my workout not realizing the sudden zeal that I carried throughout the afternoon. After changing, I almost ran out with anxiety to meet him. I went outside of the gym to my surprise he wasn’t there.
“Johnny…” a voice uttered from behind “I was sitting right there, you didn’t see me?”
“Oh, no sorry” I blushed. However, previous knowledge that my perfect tan masks any outward show of rushing blood comforted me.
“Okay let’s go?”
“Mhmm!” I mumbled rubbing my perfectly contoured abs.
The way to dinner consisted small talk mixed with spotty dialogue of what I considered his deeply kept
information. I handed him my IPod and to my surprise he played songs filled the car from artists such as Michael Buble and Jason Mraz.
“I used to sing this song with my grandpa.” He said mentally pointing to the tune.
“Used to?” I hinted at the possibility that this wasn’t continued to this day.
“Well he’s ill now…It’s kinda sad” nostalgia painted his face. He slouched in his seat and grimaced. He played another love song.
“God Royce you’re going to make me melt from the songs you play and we’re not going to make it out alive for dinner.” I joked casually that included utmost truth.
“Sorry.” He uttered and followed the statement by changing to rock music.
“No. It’s not a problem”
Dinner consisted of a salad and his mentioning of the fact that he’s applying for a job at the hospital I work at. I deeply wanted for him to become my coworker to be able to get to know him more. Scenarios already flooded my mind as to how I can get him a job there.
We went to the bakery next to the café and I bought us bread which he furiously got mad at me for.
“NO! What are you doing?” as he yanked the bread out of my hand “I mean…me and my friends we let each other pay for stuff, but not strangers.” Royce said. The word stung.
“Don’t worry about it, let’s just say I feel generous today. It’s not a big deal”
We walked to the car and I asked him if he wanted to go to the mall. He didn’t, so I resorted to more drastic measures. Puppy dog eyes, full pouting lips, and creased eyebrows.
“Come on…live a little” I plead.
“Okay…” he sounded annoyed.
The carousel faintly lit the sidewalk as we walked around it to reach my favorite store. Irrelevant chatter reached my ears and exited the other as I walked. I was absorbed in our conversation and under his influence.
“He fits.” I thought to myself.
You know when someone clicks for you. I don’t get it too often, but when I do I am going to do everything to favor that situation. I felt that for him and it’s indescribable except in a sense that I have a rock star crush. However, he was far from that fame. In fact, I was probably more blinded by the fact that he’s this amazing person so well that I didn’t see that I was about to bulldoze a small child in a red hoodie. Suddenly his hand pushed me back as he saved the poor child from my ignorance. He smiled gently at the child and glared at me. I saw concern in his eyes and guilt enveloped me as I thanked him and apologetically smiled at my unknown victim.
“He’d be such a great dad” I thought to myself intoxicated. “He’d be very caring and sweet. What a great guy.”
We continued our way to the store where he sat down and looked at some books while I picked out an outfit for a party.
Evil took over and I asked him to give me his resume and application the next time I saw him. I have a lot of eye candy, but they’re all never worth pursuing. Thinking of the possibility of having him there at work sent mini nuclear explosions in my stomach. I don’t understand what’s happening as of now, but I would definitely threaten quit my job only for them to hire him. This fatal attraction is insane. I wanted to do everything in my power for him no matter what.
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In a disgusting turn of events I noticed that, it’s as if Friday never happened. Our talks at seldom lunches, at the mall, and far from monotony in the gym dissipated. On the following hot fall day, the droplets of whatever slight bond we formed, evaporated quickly into a cloud of confusion that turned into a lysergic haze blocking the vision of what I’d planned out. As if reality wasn’t skewed enough from his favorable existence, it was then shattered by his cold shoulder. I am lost. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this unfortunate animosity. He transformed into someone so closed. Why was Friday so surreal? He was so carefree and light. It felt like we knew each other longer than two weeks. In the recent days after he turned into an ugly oyster, cloistered and ready to snap once someone approached its vicinity. What pearl was he trying to protect? As more days went by, things became schizophrenic.
“Hey Royce.”
A nod of his head to acknowledge my meager existence. Hmm…Today’s a bad day.
“How was job hunting?”
“It was okay.”
“What did you do yesterday?”
“Disneyland”
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“Hey Royce.”
“Hi. How was your weekend?” he waved his hands hello.
Hmm. Today’s a good day.
“It was good, one of my patients drank floor cleaner”
“Couldn’t handle the world huh?”
“It was an accident. He thought it was Gatorade.”
“Haha oh my gosh.”
Chorus X6, endure, and repeat.
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I called him excitedly trying to hide the fact that his interview was successful and that he was already in the formality process of being hired!
“I have a surprise for you”
“What is it?”
“Can you wait till tomorrow? I want to tell you in person.”
“Noo…I hate waiting. Why can’t you tell me now?”
Unnecessarily, we spent an hour talking on the phone. I loved the sound of his voice and favored the long pauses because I could recollect my thoughts and say what I need to. But to my detriment the last three quarters of the call became whining galore whereas he was leaning towards not taking the job. I finally gave up and told him on the phone.
“GOOD NEWS! My boss just told me that you’re heading to orientation in a couple of weeks! It was going to be a surprise…so THERE!” I almost said screaming.
I’m so happy. I didn’t know I could pull it off! Not only that, but he gets a get out of jail free card from med surge!
“Tuesdays also? I volunteer at a soup kitchen on Tuesdays.”
“Well okay, think this through. What would you rather do?” I asked sounding as non-biased as possible, while in the meantime trying to understand what’s in his head.
“I want to stay…”
“I don’t know if you understand what’s at stake here. This is a job. Handed to you on a silver platter.” I said politely. In this economy, I think he would rather be the one needing the help of the organization.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
I busted my ass for him one last time and got him off the Tuesday that he so desperately needed to stay involved with the soup kitchen. He whined too much last night and I was sick of it. But in some sadistic way, I kind of liked the fact that we talked on the phone for so long. However, that was very disappointing and made me feel underappreciated for everything I’ve done. It was one of the straws that led to the last.
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Meeting him threw me off. But no…I figured I’d stick around a little bit and fully see who he is. Now that I have, I found an immature too innocent person with an extreme case of peter-pan syndrome.
In the same spontaneous spark that made me chase after him, I reversed it. He saw me at the gym today. I didn’t realize it until he towered above my mat and awkwardly waved as I was stretching. His scrunching face reminded me of a pig fed, happy, and content. I then stretched as hard as I can. I did a dolphin pose and looked as relaxingly calm as possible. I knew he was looking at me as I pretended he didn’t exist.
I began my descent. Instead of going cold turkey, I’ll just tell him what I really feel and he can do whatever he wants with the information. Whether he let me in or not, I’ve invested too much time and emotion to just let six weeks fly away.
We played badminton with a friend. He ended up in my team through a game of rock paper scissors, I liked that. He tried to play really well and I thought he was trying too hard. My friend hit his face with the birdie twice and then his shoulder the third time. I wanted to lunge at him and start clawing his face for hurting Royce. I still felt overprotective even though I’m in the process of forgetting he existed, but it killed me to see him cringe and get hurt. But if it’s any consolation, I sincerely did like him. He made me feel like I was a kid again yearning for puppy love that I never really had, because fat kids don’t have girlfriends in elementary school and I didn’t even think of the possibility that boys could be with other boys. He was one of the first few guys that came close to my standards, sweet and down to earth. He was sensitive and the way he smilingly saved that kid, I’ll never forget it. And if anything I’m grateful to have met him in giving me the insight of what I want later on.
“Hey Royce?” I called out his name as we walked out of the gym
“Yeah?” he asked
“Can I tell you something?” I stuttered.
“Okay…”
“Promise not to flip out?”
“What is it?”
“Well I’ve known you for only six weeks now and I can honestly say that I’ve never felt like this for anyone ever before. I get really excited on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays just to be able to see you and work out with you. I like the fact that you’re down to earth about everything. And so I just want to say that I think you’re cute and that I really like you. You’ve been so closed lately, and well if you’d let me I’d like to spend more time with you.”
I spoke with yearning in my voice, painfully eager to be let down just so I can get over this chapter of my life. But some part of me was hoping for a faint glimmer of hope, some kind of chance that could possibly lead to us spending a little more time with each other.
“I’m sorry…I don’t even know if you are or not. I’m sorry, this was all really stupid.” I looked down and counted the dislodged stones from the gravel cement and kicked them with my shoe.
“No it’s okay.” He said reassuringly as he smiled. “Can we talk about this later?”
Confusion brooded over me. I figured that if time was the last thing I could give him, I would wholeheartedly do so. And if there is something he needed to think about, that would be favorable also. I walked across the barren gym parking lot faintly lit by harsh halogen lighting. I decided that at the end of the day when we meet and talk again, whatever will be said will be on a positive note. With a huge grin on my normally desolate face, I opened the car door and drove home humming.
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