Distance

My latest project has been with an adorably charming couple who were high school sweethearts. When I first tackled this story, I wanted to make it light, funny, and interesting so that other couples could see that gay relationships can be so, but the deeper I delved into their lives I felt stupid. I absolutely missed the amount of emotional investment, commitment, and love that these two had for each other. So much so that they’re willing to risk the direction of their lives just so they can accommodate each other.

It was a pleasure writing about them and everyone can appreciate their attitude towards life. When we all ate dinner and watched the sunset together, I couldn’t help be enveloped by their love and affection towards each other. Even though I noticed they turned many heads upon each little peck, hands around each other’s waists or when they still, after many years, get lost in each other’s eyes, their isolated apathetic attitude helped dispel these signs of automated safeguards of societal aversion. Not that they were affected by it anyway. By choosing or not choosing to live the way they want they’re blasting concrete walls for others to tread and follow. At the end of the day, they just want to be together and love each other.

Distance

A true story by John Alejandro

Dedicated to Frin and Naso.

“This is fun” Naso said.

“Yeah…it is isn’t it?” I concluded after a hot round of sex. “Guess we’re not straight…”

“What should we do?”

“Do you want to go out?” I asked sheepishly.

“Sure.”

Beginnings

We started off sort of rough, but definitely fun. It was quite a rocky beginning and there were many variables in play that hindered certain things in the beginning. Naso’s gay friend also came out and a small situation manifested itself. Timing was horrible and I went out of the country right after something developed between us. I racked up hundreds of dollars worth of overseas phone bills just to be able to talk to him, to hear his voice. When I returned, Naso was the one to leave for another continent. Oceans apart, one question drilled itself into my mind. Would these trips change our “friendship”? Separation and distance played such sweet tricks. Fate ripened my want, my love, my need for him. He was and is my best friend.

Another question developed long term. What if we were just going through a phase? What if we didn’t really want this for our lives? We do want families in the future. During the first few months we’d always stop and take a look back and deliberate whether we should keep doing this, whether this really is the route we want to take. We’d try and stop seeing each other for a while, but we’re back to it. After a month of testing the waters, clearing up any insecurities that might have developed, we decided to settle down. There was no excuse in dissolving a valued relationship for petty reasons. Why not have experiences that you enjoy while they last? We decided to live for ourselves and not for anyone else. We took those crossed stars and made them parallel.

Him and I

Naso’s really easygoing and zenlike. Drama is the last thing he wants and we value the same things. I don’t mean that you can trample all over him, but in a way he has a tacit confidence. A black widow in the corner of the room. Mysterious, silent, but deadly. He’s a genius. One time he was just barely learning how to play the guitar and I asked him to play a song. He plays a ten minute piece perfectly attuned to which he concludes “well I’m not that good yet”. He’s also the opposite of that sometimes too. One day, he fell off from his bike, scraped his knee which I thought was extremely hot, and lost his wallet. When he got home, we sat in bed for five hours and just talked. I like how we can spend exorbitant amounts of time with each other and never get bored. Finally, he’s just the most attractive guy I’ve ever met. I honestly believe that. With every passing year he’s become more and more attractive.

Similarly, I like simple things. I don’t consider myself a complex guy. I just like to sit around and chat. Whatever’s going on I’m down for. I’m spontaneous, but eat simple food. I have a weird sense of humor, but then again I am a physics major. I love trance music and listen to it 24/7. Finally, I just don’t really give a damn about what other people think. I take everything with a grain of salt, especially ever since I’ve moved to America. Everyone mocked my accent, and well it sucked to be the minority in the majority. Other people probably see me as arrogant, but then again I don’t really care for them. Is this self feeding what people think of me? They probably find me irritating, but again I honestly don’t give a damn.

If I never met him, I’d probably be more boisterous. Likewise, I’ve probably made him more extroverted. When we go clubbing he’s the life of the party. He loves gospel culture and is keen on enjoying yourself, having a good time, and celebrating life.

High School

Throughout high school, we became best friends. He was an excellent choir singer and I did comedy sports. We did a plethora of things together like ASB events, school plays, and even though we were in different social circles, we managed to create an environment for our friendship. He was of course the coolest guy on campus with the most friends. I hung out with a mainly older group.

One night, after a long day of rehearsals for a musical, we ended up falling asleep together. Naso usually naps during the day and today was so busy he didn’t get a chance to. We were recording a television show for a project and there was still an hour left so we decided to take one. Within five minutes, after taking either sides of the bed, the atmosphere changed.

“Frin, I’m really cold”

“I’ll help” I said as I positioned myself on top of him.

“Fuck it” Naso exclaimed.

Hormones took over and sliced the tension. Naso kissed me. I kissed him back. We turned off the lights, made out, and got naked pretty fast. The sex was great.

But the next day it wasn’t awkward. We chatted online and he thanked me for the night before. I said thanks. We fooled around and it felt good so we kept seeing each other.

Later on when I asked him why he kissed me he said “You were hard...”

It was all in good fun, but that point was never serious. And the days after those nights never interfered with our personas, which helped a lot considering we knew that this was sort of against expectations. We had each other. It was a brave new world with only us in it.

College

We both applied to the same schools but at the time that we made our final decisions, we’d have been only dating for a week. We didn’t know that this would ultimately impact and shape the rest of our college lives in such a profound way..

Naso eventually went to a university 441 miles away from mine. It was hard. There were trust issues and insecurities that were worked out but eventually we got over it. The hard part was staying sane while he was away.

I didn’t get too involved with athletics because I wanted to be able to spend time with him. I enjoyed working two jobs because it would make the time pass by that much faster until I can see him again. Weeks rolled by and I didn’t mind. Too much of a “my” world wasn’t what I wanted because it would just be so much harder to fit him into my life. I didn’t want him to be another piece to the puzzle. My life encompassed an “us”. Meeting him has changed the course of my life in a completely different direction.

We put our lives on hold while working on our degrees which would eventually lead us to be together, and that’s all we wanted was to be in each other’s presence. Internet chat was a must every night and sometimes we would also start online shows together and talk about them as if there was an electric bridge that linked our lives even for a short hour.

At the same time Naso didn’t have a lot of financial limitations nor did I want him sulking like I did. I wanted him to enjoy life and well, wherever he’d go he’d mail me a little something like a postcard and I get to see all the places he went to.

One day when we were chatting he said something that pierced quite deeply. He said, “Frin…I think that if this…what we had didn’t work out, I don’t think I’ll be able to forget about you. I think twenty years down the line… if I met someone else …I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

Thinking back, I would do it all over for him. I would go through all the bouts of longing just to be with him for a brief few days and go back into slowly building a life that we could enjoy together.

Moving in

In a short amount of time, I’m happy to say that Naso is transferring to my university. We’ve been waiting for this for a long time and I’m appreciative that he’s making such a big move just so we can be together. I don’t think he realizes how much I am thankful for this. Our college lives, our life starts this year. I’d be lying if I said I can’t wait, because that’s what I’ve been doing all up to this point.

He’s the perfect guy. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I’m so lucky to have met him so early in my life and I will do everything in my power to make this work.

It’s only a matter of time until nirvana slaps me in the face

Springtime romance that lasted years

Drive to a nearby mountain, take him

Enjoy the scenery and of course do much more

Brush his hair, tell him he’s gorgeous

In bed, tell him he’s hot

Because he is and deserves to know it

It’s infallible that my want, love, and need

Grows for him exponentially

Marry your best friend, that’s what I intend to do…

Knight in Shining Armor

Met someone yesterday. He saved my life.

Haunting

Two birds were perched in different positions inside a carport.

One was on top of the parked truck brooding majestically over the roaches waiting hungrily for a delicious cricket to eat.

The other, who was economically beautiful in his own right had his fill of cockroaches beneath the car, but failed the vision of the one above.

One day, both birds wanted the other's lifestyle in the hierarchy. Top bird was so hungry he was willing to risk his domain to grab a piece of the action. Bottom bird was full in his own right and wanted a taste of the occasional sweet life.

So they switched and for a while it was good. Ex-top bird was finally full and ex-bottom bird finally had a taste of haute cuisine. The different vantage points were a welcome change.

When the owner of the car, however, drunk in his stupor waited for no one and hastily backed up the car. The birds in their cloud 9 and splendor failed to spot him in time. Bottom bird who did not run to the side, was run over his overweight guts spewing out of his mouth. Top bird who did not fly was whiplashed against the wall and snapped his neck.

Random thoughts

The keyboard is mightier than the pen.

What if spiders could fly? That'd be fucking terrifying. Not only do you have to worry about running into a web and it stinging your face, but now you have to guard yourself when walking around. A black widow might just come fly down your neck like a vampire bat armed with poison.

Safeguard the influence you have over people. Everyone is interconnected.

SMLI Reflections 1

Staffing SMLI was one of the most worthwhile experiences I’ve had in a while. Developing intentional programs to enrich the tolerance, cultural sensitivity, and leadership of select incoming freshmen in this exclusive institute made me realize that I’d be a great role model to the kids that I adopt. There were guests that spoke about social change, responsibility, passion, and free speech. There were workshops that helped figure out leadership styles, conflict resolution, and stereotypes. Finally there was a group case study that challenged the SMLI participants’ critical thinking skills to navigate the UCI power map and provide a solution to a modern university problem.

One of the workshops included a poster presentation on a certain word regarding social change. My group’s word was equality. They wrote what equality sounded like, looked like, and felt like. I was asked what equality felt like to me because they wanted an example. I responded that I didn’t know what it felt like because my equality as a homosexual is determined by people’s votes and currently even though 8 was repealed, marriages are still on hold until the counterpart is given a chance to reappeal. The group then decided that they knew what it looked like, or at least looked like. One of the symbols they drew was of a standard male stick figure holding hands with another male stick figure. This was then juxtaposed next to a male stick figure holding hands with a female figure and in between the two couples was an equal sign. It reminded me of my recent project a gay couple who were so passionately in love with each other and would like to get married. After the artist was finished drawing, she turned to which made everyone else in the group turn towards me, all awaiting and eager to see my reaction. No words left my mouth as I was speechless. Emotions that I couldn’t pinpoint at that time ran through me like a horse that had been caged its entire life.

Seeing the future leaders of the university having these ideas about equality was so emotionally refreshing that it triggered something. This has been what I’ve been doing my whole life. Achieving leadership positions everywhere I go so that I could change it or at least monitor it to be sensitive against intolerance. I nodded to them, left the room, and let the horse roam free in a puddle of tears.

Fuel

I've never deliberated about anything in my life as hard as this. I haven't slept for days, running on negative energy. But it feels so good. To be needed, to be wanted, to be admired.

Deliberation.

I overestimate everything. I try not to analyze every fucking thing, but I do...My fatal flaw. But to jump for a leap of faith knowing that there are spikes underneath, knowing the slim chance my hands will grasp the ledge, knowing that its wrong to even grab the ledge in the first place. Knowing that the pot of gold on the other side is bloody pirates booty. Morally questionable, manic karma inducer, but all's fair right?

Deliberate once more

Everytime I will myself not to go for gold, something fucking happens that makes me want to go for it again. In reality the gold is tainted. It is blood diamond if achieved. Nevertheless its still diamond. No matter the delivery or justice in retribution, the product is the same. Can I or even worse since it takes more planning, WILL I?

Meditation. Ask for it within. Empty...the insides say do whatever you want.

Last Day

8/10/10 My last day of work at Pippin Commons

My last days at all of my jobs (5) have been uneventful. To expect any sort of excitement or severance package like maybe a Range Rover for “your many years of unrivaled service” is futile. The best I got was a plate of chili cheese fries from my school district boss, which I had to eat alone because summer hours for everyone else was reduced. My last day for tutoring college algebra was not celebrated. The finale to my medical assisting gig led to hugs and kisses from my coworkers. And finally, my service to Pippin ended with cushy summer hours of sitting on a chair for 8 hours a day three times a week, watching my life pass me by, and visible growth of facial hair to my hourly trips to the bathroom after drinking too much coffee.

Don’t get me wrong I never expected anything in return. I’m by nature a stress fanatic and workaholic (which I’ll be soon part of a psych study in UCI where they see how stress affects students; obviously they turn out like me, overworked, underloved, but infinite cash flow ;D). It was recently that I had another nervous breakdown, however a really good friend helped me through it.

“But do you like it?” he asked after dessert and a couple of beers.

“I don’t know…I’ve done everything right…sometimes I wish I could be stupid. Just one time I hope I enjoyed a failure. One time maybe I’d like a big red cross on my forehead." I responded with tears still rolling down my cheek carried over from retelling my coming out experience.

“But do you enjoy it?” he asked once more.

“I’ve been trained to enjoy it. I’ve been given a gold star for every goddamn thing. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish I wished what you want” I gulped pointing to his apathetic view about life.

“You’re putting in a lot of effort…just wait to reap the benefits. Hang in there. I could’ve been a great athlete. I just chose not to pursue it. That’s my decision. I know one day you’ll be a head nurse or higher and you’ll be with a great guy.”

I thanked him and laughed as I ended the lives of slow running tears.

“I wish you could write your stories as well. Your life is so inspiring and moving I feel like people out there are missing out when you don’t share it.”

So my last hoorah at being awesome for these two years was to consult for a manager at Brandywine about the menu planning and costing program that UCI Dining and Hospitality uses. Thanks for the leadership and technical experience Pippin Commons. I’ll carry it far.