Far Right

Old. Decrepid. Withering away.

The soles of her feet, ashen gray.

The curls on her hair, fried.

The curves have turned into humps

The eyes have finished their tales.

The legs shine no more.

Her personality now weak and atrophied as her psyche.

She believes society's forgotten about her.

Still fighting for her place in the world.

The new generation is creeping.

Pissed.

At her, at her intolerance.

"May she die in peace" they say in different languages.

Her last request is that her Glenn Beck autobiography be buried with her.

Sexuality pattern altered, is a nursing diagnosis. SCORE!!!

Seed

This smile. Not any common one, but your own. Passed down through Zen. Imprinted on another creature.

See the tenacity on ridges of his teeth, help it grow to conquer the world just like you did once. See the culture on the ends of his lips, you can teach him to bend and make the world fall in love with him just like it did once with you. See the zeal on his cheeks that can alter future lives that he touches, teach him how to use this carefully. See the way his eyes burn blue with raw passion, a history of your now faint crimson eyes.

You have the spark, your words and actions create a new generation. You don't need a surrogate. You don't even need ovaries and testicles. Two of each is just fine.

Living through

Cold gusts of wind enter the bedroom window as he looked at the clock. It's 10am on a Sunday morning and his husband is still asleep. He nibbles on his ear and the husband smiles. The husband incoherently mumbles a list of things they have to do. He says, "fuck it". They get dressed in warm puffy jackets and go to the pier instead. It's foggy, hazy and cozy. They sip clam chowder on a bread bowl by the sea. Just the two of them on a bench they've occupied since 5 years ago.

The sea crashes and mixes within the little crystals of sand. He kisses him and tells him that he loves him. He fought so hard to get to where they are now. To both of them, it was worth the wait.

5 Years Out

5 Years Out

There are certain moments in my life where everything comes together in extreme clarity. All of the decisions and attitudes I’ve developed or absorbed into my personality brought me here today. I’ve been out of the closet for 5 years to this month, but at the time instead of assimilating in the culture I shied away from it. I made really good friends with a cocky soccer player, and him and his boyfriend have illuminated my idealistic view of what I think my life should be like in the future. Finally, my nursing professor taught a lecture on infertile women and their identities. And that is what I’ve made myself up to this day…an infertile woman (will be explained, promise).

Life was hard for the first two years upon coming out. I can go on to specifics but you can easily read my past entry. Tiger (alias), my locker was next to yours in P.E. in middle school. You had that swagger, and had perfect illuminating skin. Your biceps and defined abs always gleamed in sweat and the light. You looked like an anime character straight out of manga, all the girls thought you were fucking hot. I did too. Whenever I sold chips or candy for my clubs, I always sold to you first and saved your dollars and replaced them from bills from my allowance. You were my first eye candy and every guy that came after you was immediately compared to the incredibly high standards you set. My experience with other guys pretty much just wanted sex, but at the time I wasn’t ready. I then vowed that I’d be the “cleanest” gay guy. I enveloped myself with attitudes like purity ring bullshit and immediately discarded guys that just wanted sex before getting to know their personalities and what they wanted with their lives. I didn’t know that relationships could be formed through physical first. Due to my Catholic upbringing, I was a sucker to think that emotional investment must happen first.

I was an only child and I thought my parents would love me unconditionally. They loved me dearly. I was their most prized possession, their golden child. When I was small around 12 years old I had excellent grades (not that I don’t now, but at the time I excelled for them, never for myself). I was also an altar server and wanted to be a priest. We had emigrated from the Philippines only 3 years ago, but everyone was warm, happy, and cozy in our little room that me, my mom, and my dad slept in. We would always have family over and even though we were crammed into a small living room, there was always good food and someone cracking jokes. And I grew up. I discovered I liked guys. To this day I don’t understand the genetics versus culture debate. No one taught me how to like guys, I wasn’t inducted in some cult or was “recruited”. I was an artist in my early childhood, I appreciated male beauty. If anything was taught to me, it was that I wasn’t supposed to…

So as a trusting uneducated little fool that I was, I told them. Life was a complete turnaround. My mother called in a priest. My father threw away half of my stuff that “made” me gay like my bonsai tree, stuffed teddy bears, and glow in the dark stars. To this day whenever I see either of the three, my insides burn a little. He threatened that I would go to hell and was genuinely concerned for my soul, assuming that he hadn’t destroyed it that day. I developed a curse mentality because god hated fags. Anything I did immediately made me self conscious about myself. If I wasn’t to change I would also be sent back. There was a whole tirade of my family relocating here just so I could have a better future and here I was fucking it all up. For them it was an American dream and culture gone wrong. When I look back at it now, if I was sent back I would’ve probably still have found another Tiger. When I’m thirty five I’d probably cheat on my wife for another man and get divorced. Everytime she would want sex I’d make up reasons not to. I would probably be thinking of someone else if it did happen. Sexuality is socially constructed. I would’ve followed the typical straight regimen, but would hate my life every single day. I would love my kids, but the uterus they were born out of, I probably would not.

How perfect was this last summer? Just went to work, and worked out. I met a guy named Thorin who worked at another commons in UCI. At first I thought he was a douche. He had the popped collar, aviators, typical egotistical asshole. I discovered later that it was just a façade developed to dispel people that didn’t care to know who he really was in the first place. I’m always respectfully in people’s business so I delved deeper. He had a rainbow bracelet and I asked him if he was an ally. Apparently, he was family (code used by gays to refer to other gays secretly). We got to talking and started hanging out. We swapped ideas about the community (code meaning the wellbeing or state of the gay community; sometimes used by me to police its members as being “bad for the community”). He was always talking about his boyfriend and I was adept in listening. It was so refreshing to see a gay couple not bashing each other for their weaknesses, but constantly developing each other. Whenever he talked about him, his eyes would light up and his voice broke constantly. His boyfriend was the air he breathed, the ground he walked on, and the beauty that he saw in the world. Hearing his unbridled admiration about another guy was intoxicating. I had the pleasure of hanging out with this mysterious creature a couple of times and seeing them together is something you would have to see for yourself.

As I got to know more about them, I couldn’t help it take bits and pieces of what they had and assemble what I wanted into my paradigm:

Intense friendship developed into intense passion and commitment.

The willingness to literally annihilate the current environments they were in just to be able to be with each other, because that’s all what they needed in the first place.

Being able to spend exorbitant amounts of time with each other without getting bored. (I definitely need work on this)

Having someone to admire, nurture, and love with reciprocity.

Finally, today my professor told us about the study she did in her PhD study. With heavy verbiage, it was called “The Work of Taking on and Managing an Identity of Self as Infertile”. The study involved women who couldn’t have children for genetic reasons. They go through such a change in character just because they labeled themselves as infertile. They would start off simply by admiring other kid’s babies to taking on an identity as infertile. They became so consumed with infertility. One woman that my professor interviewed who worked out, had a banging body said that none of this matters because she couldn’t have what she really wanted. This then hit me. I was similar to this woman. I’ve climbed leadership for a long time and I’ve achieved so much for my age, but none of it matters because I didn’t have someone to share it with. Everywhere I’d go I’d see couples holding hands, wishing I had my other half. I labeled myself as “single” whereas before it was great and didn’t really bother me. It became such a burden at parties that I had to manage the identity of being gay and single. It’s extremely hard to find a monogamous down to earth, fun, and good looking guy. I’ve overcome societal aversions for gays. I’ve built up a vast network of friends, developed a positive mindset on how to handle situations that directly stereotypically affected gays, but at the same time there really isn’t a wide pool to choose from. It’s like graduating with a sociology degree only to find yourself without a job. It’s like pitching a tent only to have your vacation cancelled.

The help she suggested for these women was that they must reenter the real world. I’ve introspectively looked at my mistakes. I know what I’ve done wrong all these years. I want to make that change. Hey real world, I did knock, but this time I’m going to ring the doorbell instead.

Distance

My latest project has been with an adorably charming couple who were high school sweethearts. When I first tackled this story, I wanted to make it light, funny, and interesting so that other couples could see that gay relationships can be so, but the deeper I delved into their lives I felt stupid. I absolutely missed the amount of emotional investment, commitment, and love that these two had for each other. So much so that they’re willing to risk the direction of their lives just so they can accommodate each other.

It was a pleasure writing about them and everyone can appreciate their attitude towards life. When we all ate dinner and watched the sunset together, I couldn’t help be enveloped by their love and affection towards each other. Even though I noticed they turned many heads upon each little peck, hands around each other’s waists or when they still, after many years, get lost in each other’s eyes, their isolated apathetic attitude helped dispel these signs of automated safeguards of societal aversion. Not that they were affected by it anyway. By choosing or not choosing to live the way they want they’re blasting concrete walls for others to tread and follow. At the end of the day, they just want to be together and love each other.

Distance

A true story by John Alejandro

Dedicated to Frin and Naso.

“This is fun” Naso said.

“Yeah…it is isn’t it?” I concluded after a hot round of sex. “Guess we’re not straight…”

“What should we do?”

“Do you want to go out?” I asked sheepishly.

“Sure.”

Beginnings

We started off sort of rough, but definitely fun. It was quite a rocky beginning and there were many variables in play that hindered certain things in the beginning. Naso’s gay friend also came out and a small situation manifested itself. Timing was horrible and I went out of the country right after something developed between us. I racked up hundreds of dollars worth of overseas phone bills just to be able to talk to him, to hear his voice. When I returned, Naso was the one to leave for another continent. Oceans apart, one question drilled itself into my mind. Would these trips change our “friendship”? Separation and distance played such sweet tricks. Fate ripened my want, my love, my need for him. He was and is my best friend.

Another question developed long term. What if we were just going through a phase? What if we didn’t really want this for our lives? We do want families in the future. During the first few months we’d always stop and take a look back and deliberate whether we should keep doing this, whether this really is the route we want to take. We’d try and stop seeing each other for a while, but we’re back to it. After a month of testing the waters, clearing up any insecurities that might have developed, we decided to settle down. There was no excuse in dissolving a valued relationship for petty reasons. Why not have experiences that you enjoy while they last? We decided to live for ourselves and not for anyone else. We took those crossed stars and made them parallel.

Him and I

Naso’s really easygoing and zenlike. Drama is the last thing he wants and we value the same things. I don’t mean that you can trample all over him, but in a way he has a tacit confidence. A black widow in the corner of the room. Mysterious, silent, but deadly. He’s a genius. One time he was just barely learning how to play the guitar and I asked him to play a song. He plays a ten minute piece perfectly attuned to which he concludes “well I’m not that good yet”. He’s also the opposite of that sometimes too. One day, he fell off from his bike, scraped his knee which I thought was extremely hot, and lost his wallet. When he got home, we sat in bed for five hours and just talked. I like how we can spend exorbitant amounts of time with each other and never get bored. Finally, he’s just the most attractive guy I’ve ever met. I honestly believe that. With every passing year he’s become more and more attractive.

Similarly, I like simple things. I don’t consider myself a complex guy. I just like to sit around and chat. Whatever’s going on I’m down for. I’m spontaneous, but eat simple food. I have a weird sense of humor, but then again I am a physics major. I love trance music and listen to it 24/7. Finally, I just don’t really give a damn about what other people think. I take everything with a grain of salt, especially ever since I’ve moved to America. Everyone mocked my accent, and well it sucked to be the minority in the majority. Other people probably see me as arrogant, but then again I don’t really care for them. Is this self feeding what people think of me? They probably find me irritating, but again I honestly don’t give a damn.

If I never met him, I’d probably be more boisterous. Likewise, I’ve probably made him more extroverted. When we go clubbing he’s the life of the party. He loves gospel culture and is keen on enjoying yourself, having a good time, and celebrating life.

High School

Throughout high school, we became best friends. He was an excellent choir singer and I did comedy sports. We did a plethora of things together like ASB events, school plays, and even though we were in different social circles, we managed to create an environment for our friendship. He was of course the coolest guy on campus with the most friends. I hung out with a mainly older group.

One night, after a long day of rehearsals for a musical, we ended up falling asleep together. Naso usually naps during the day and today was so busy he didn’t get a chance to. We were recording a television show for a project and there was still an hour left so we decided to take one. Within five minutes, after taking either sides of the bed, the atmosphere changed.

“Frin, I’m really cold”

“I’ll help” I said as I positioned myself on top of him.

“Fuck it” Naso exclaimed.

Hormones took over and sliced the tension. Naso kissed me. I kissed him back. We turned off the lights, made out, and got naked pretty fast. The sex was great.

But the next day it wasn’t awkward. We chatted online and he thanked me for the night before. I said thanks. We fooled around and it felt good so we kept seeing each other.

Later on when I asked him why he kissed me he said “You were hard...”

It was all in good fun, but that point was never serious. And the days after those nights never interfered with our personas, which helped a lot considering we knew that this was sort of against expectations. We had each other. It was a brave new world with only us in it.

College

We both applied to the same schools but at the time that we made our final decisions, we’d have been only dating for a week. We didn’t know that this would ultimately impact and shape the rest of our college lives in such a profound way..

Naso eventually went to a university 441 miles away from mine. It was hard. There were trust issues and insecurities that were worked out but eventually we got over it. The hard part was staying sane while he was away.

I didn’t get too involved with athletics because I wanted to be able to spend time with him. I enjoyed working two jobs because it would make the time pass by that much faster until I can see him again. Weeks rolled by and I didn’t mind. Too much of a “my” world wasn’t what I wanted because it would just be so much harder to fit him into my life. I didn’t want him to be another piece to the puzzle. My life encompassed an “us”. Meeting him has changed the course of my life in a completely different direction.

We put our lives on hold while working on our degrees which would eventually lead us to be together, and that’s all we wanted was to be in each other’s presence. Internet chat was a must every night and sometimes we would also start online shows together and talk about them as if there was an electric bridge that linked our lives even for a short hour.

At the same time Naso didn’t have a lot of financial limitations nor did I want him sulking like I did. I wanted him to enjoy life and well, wherever he’d go he’d mail me a little something like a postcard and I get to see all the places he went to.

One day when we were chatting he said something that pierced quite deeply. He said, “Frin…I think that if this…what we had didn’t work out, I don’t think I’ll be able to forget about you. I think twenty years down the line… if I met someone else …I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

Thinking back, I would do it all over for him. I would go through all the bouts of longing just to be with him for a brief few days and go back into slowly building a life that we could enjoy together.

Moving in

In a short amount of time, I’m happy to say that Naso is transferring to my university. We’ve been waiting for this for a long time and I’m appreciative that he’s making such a big move just so we can be together. I don’t think he realizes how much I am thankful for this. Our college lives, our life starts this year. I’d be lying if I said I can’t wait, because that’s what I’ve been doing all up to this point.

He’s the perfect guy. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I’m so lucky to have met him so early in my life and I will do everything in my power to make this work.

It’s only a matter of time until nirvana slaps me in the face

Springtime romance that lasted years

Drive to a nearby mountain, take him

Enjoy the scenery and of course do much more

Brush his hair, tell him he’s gorgeous

In bed, tell him he’s hot

Because he is and deserves to know it

It’s infallible that my want, love, and need

Grows for him exponentially

Marry your best friend, that’s what I intend to do…