You can do it. I believe in you. You have no idea what you're capable of. You're a strong and influential person. You can get through this. These opportunities come once in a lifetime and no reason to sit back and relax now.

Car Ride

It was refreshingly chilling to sit through the car ride with my dad after renting some movies. Dan Savage, gay culture icon with his husband talked about their new book “It Gets Better” on the radio. Throughout the ride home, accounts of gay teens committing suicide, being bullied, and being kicked out of their homes hit very close to home. However, instead of the usual scoffing with blatant homophobia from the pro-gay ideas and changing the channel, he instead kept the station on the liberal radio station.

Within minutes, my eyes started to water relating to the story of one girl’s family threatening to decline paying for her education. By the end of the account there was a steady stream parallel to her going back to the closet because of fear and losing her family. I felt like somehow keeping it on this channel was his way of reaching out to somehow get closer. I can’t just yet. I’m not ready to talk or forgive or do anything. This tacit happiness is working, but I know that one day we will have a discussion about this. Until that day comes, I know I won’t be ready. I know I’ll never be ready. There are grudges still in play and I one day hope to be a better or stronger person to be able to do this.

When we reached home I dove on my bed and imagined all of the other teens and adults who had it worse than me.

Cosmic

I wonder if some cosmic way I am communicating to someone. Through the vastness of chance I could see this medium as reaching to them. I'm not talking about ghosts, but through writing and the intricacies of technology. Its so brilliant. I loved entertaining the thought.

High ventilation low perfusion

I'm going to stop chasing.

Instead I will be open to being chased.

Need to learn how to be open to other people, not just the ones that I like.

I need to be able to give other guys a chance before just blowing them off (no pun intended, but you can put it there if you like- yet another one that came out of nowhere- wow i need to stop).

From the looks of things I am successful, I've been told that I'm good lookin and girls swoon every once in a while. From this standpoint I'll just let loose.

I still can't leave the fact that I really liked you and rejection really hurts like fuck.

No Regrets

I told someone yesterday I liked him.

He was someone I really liked since a year ago and it didn't go well.

I need to be able to control my emotions better.

Running felt freeing, yet infantile.

Need time to heal and lick the wounds.

You're really cute, intelligent, and sweet.

It was nice knowing you.

Good luck to your bright future, I mean it.

Omelet du fromage

I made the perfect cheese omelette today.

Very thin layer of egg, almost crepe like and a heaping pile of cheese.

It was scrumptious.

Hey

So do I! Just make the first move damnit.

Roommates

You know those times that the people you most get along with really get under your skin and give you hives. Its not the fact that you stop liking them as a person its just the repetitive things they do that you obviously have no control over that gets you.

I've been living with two wonderful people now and they've been my really good friends since last year. We rented an apartment together and they just never clean and are almost always disrespectful in common areas. They always leave their junk everywhere and more than 4 times I've had to do their dishes because its starting to pile up. Or when it isn't my turn to throw the trash, I have to because its going to start to smell. I'm not annoyed at them as a person but their habitual actions that clearly don't mesh with me. I don't see myself as a clean freak, but little common sense things like if RAID has been sprayed on the floor and you ask someone to do it you expect them to do it right away. These spots I obviously stepped on later because they haven't done it yet. Or little things like putting away dishes after they're done drying is never done.

I'm bitching, because instead of taking it out on them I realize that I have to change myself to coordinate with them. But at what point do they realize they have to change too?